Boreder Control – Israelis in the UK
Posted: November 11, 2011 | Author: boredofdeputies | | Tags: ahava, crocs, immigration, israel, israeli |Leave a comment »
By Bored of Deputies
This week membership of the EU is on the political agenda and therefore the nations thoughts turn to immigration. The Bored have produced a special report on the influx of Israelis living in the United Kingdom. We will ask; how many there are? How do I spot one? What they are doing here? How long will my shwarma be? And how we can use them to strengthen UK Jewry?
According to a recent study there are between 40,000 and 70,000 living in the UK illegally. This figure was reached by multiplying the number of shopping malls in the UK (10,000) by the number of staff it takes to run an Ahava & Crocs stall (4-7). When this is added to the number of legal Israel immigrants in this country that gives a range of 40,357 to 70,357 Jews with a unique character and skill-set to utilise. The Bored pride ourselves on seeing everyone as an individual but clearly there is only one reason they have flocked to these shores in such numbers: Golders Green Road.
Israelis appear to be drawn to Golders like an itchy-foot-ed moth to the glow of a shwarma machine. We believe this hold the key to our analysis of their reasons for coming; however it presents something of a paradox. As with all migration there are ‘push’ factors, specifically political, economic and social, yet similarities abound. Golders Green is represented by ruthless tory MP, and has regular religious-secular clashes. The fortunes of small businesses mirror one another strongly as shop fronts change as regularly in Golders as in Haifa or Be’er-Sheba and the diversity and impoliteness of the area must make them feel quickly at home. In fact the only significant difference is climatic and perhaps this holds the key as the low reduces the frizz on heavily gelled hair and post-army dreadlocks.
Regardless of the reason for moving here, Israelis are clearly enjoying the experience. No other immigrant community has the happiness, zest for life and gratitude of Israelis in the UK. The leader of Israelis in Britain is of course the embodiment of happiness and joie de vivre Avram Grant (pictured). Mr Grant appears to have the ability to bring joy to everyone he encounters and everywhere he goes from the South Coast to East and West London a trail of successes invariably follows. No wonder he’s always so jolly. With a leader like that it’s a wonder Israelis in the UK aren’t running jokes shops and fancy dress outlets selling wacky, giant, bulbous, rubber shoes covered in holes that come in a variety of lurid colours.
Uncle Avram
When it comes to best using Israelis is Jewish education initial promise turns to despair. They can’t be used in Jewish education since – as any British Zionist Student that has seduced and dated the hot Solly’s waitress will tell you – Israelis in Blighty are not fond their homeland. They can’t be used in the care industry since – as anyone who has asked the ugly Solly’s waitress for extra ketchup will tell you – Israelis don’t care. They are too hyperactive for admin jobs and too slothful for manual labour. The most aggressive few can do security at JFS but the rest remain redundant. Their skills are clearly sales, but the community’s fundraiser do not take kindly to involuntarily putting cream on donors’ hands, when they need those hands to sign cheques.
The Bored as always have the answer and it is as simple as it is convoluted. We have our collective finger on society’s pulse and are attuned to the needs of young Britons today. The Eurozone meltdown, Occupy LSX and general apathy with UK capitalism has pushed to the brink of social change; they are ready for a new way.
After “The Big Tent for Israel” event is over, the Bored will commandeer the gazebo and transform it into “The Big Tent for Israelis”. This enormous portable canvas structure will be the world’s first mobile kibbutz. Painted blue and white, this marquee of Movementarians, will travel the country appearing at each strike, picket line, protest, sit-in and camp-out whilst getting itself extensive media coverage (take that channel 4). Meanwhile, its erstwhile kibbutz-niks will reintroduce socialist principles to a captive audience without the geographical limitations associated with an ordinary kibbutz. Foolproof.
Join us, it’s gonna be Ohel of a journey, climb aboard!
The Bored will be back with more next week, keep following us @boredofdeputies