Bored Enough to Stand Outside
Posted: October 25, 2011 | Author: boredofdeputies | | Tags: antisemitism, cst, jewish, security |1 Comment »
By Bored of Deputies
The Bored – this week – will offer a rare glimpse into the clandestine world of UK Jewish security. Behind closed doors, in the corridors of power and above the glass ceiling, some of UK Jewry’s sharpest minds obsess 24/7 over our safety. The Bored have accidentally intercepted a memo from Sword Lodge (the actual secret CST HQ) where the CST’s VIPs work on the QT to make everything AOK ASAP. We hope this will afford you a better understanding of what goes on in those hallowed halls:
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To: Mr R.
From: Agent JJ18
Date: 18/10/11
Subject: Status Update
Mr R,
Sir, here follows an update on several current missions and operations.
Operation Brolly (Event Security) – Status: Amber
High volumes of volunteer conscription nationwide have left us with significant human resources. However these recruits are raw and we are over-capacity at boot camp. Induction now comprises showing recruits how to stand outside events without resembling “a spare part” or touching their ears and talking into their coat lapels even though they don’t have comms equipment.
Project Helium (Anti-Semitism Figures) – Status: Green
Excellent progress is being made in recording as many Anti-Semitic incidents as possible. The application of CST mathematics has been especially effective. For example over the High Holy Days an insurgent in a car shouted “Jewwwwwws!” at a group returning from Synagogue, this previously represented a single episode. However the car contained three further accomplices and the group were 8 strong meaning that in fact 32 (4×8) incidents were recorded.
In addition we have introduced an ‘almost-App’ to aid reporting, (more below).
According to current projections we are on target to beat last year’s figures for incidents and continue trend for a 10th year. This is especially impressive when you consider that we believe Anti-Semitism is actually falling year on year.
Project Putting the Care in Scaremongering (Fundraising)– Status: Green
On the subject of beating last year’s totals, fundraising efforts remain on target. The Marketing Team (previously the Propaganda Unit) have been rigorously Googling sinister pictures of EDL members and finding exaggerated synonyms for the word threat. The message of spiralling recorded incidents appears to be getting through.
Of course, we are ever-grateful for your contribution, sir that far exceeds any benefits you may receive.
Speaking of your henchmen, your private detail will shortly be bolstered by two trainees for the subsequent Chief Rabbi’s team. They of course meet the required built and shwarma capacity and we have trained them to wipe their feet thoroughly before entering your property.
Operation Android (Reporting Incidents) – Status: Red
Attempts to imbed the Community Reporting App-like Product, code name: ‘Project CRAP’ met some challenges:
– Victims without CRAP who wish to report attacks are calling or going online. Therefore they only discover the CRAP after submitting their information.
– The ‘over-reporters’ (who consider another Jew honking whilst they attempt a U-turn on Brent Street Anti-Semitic) are finding it too easy to report non-incidents and many have the link as their home page.
– CRAP has also emboldened some school children including one Hasmonean Year 7, who approached a group of disinterested youths on the bus and explained that “they’d better not touch him because he had CRAP on his phone”. Now he doesn’t have a phone.
(Also sir, if you will forgive my insubordination, it seems a little incongruous to be at the technological cutting edge, but typewriting your memos.)
In closing sir, I look forward to seeing you outside M&S next Saturday.
Yours,
JJ18
p.s. You will be pleased to here we have had Guinness (especially when sold in packs of 4) removed from the Kosher guide.
This memo will decompose when buried in the ground for some months.
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The Bored are certain that after the reading that, the EDL, the BNP and The Muslim Council of Great Britain will be quaking in their boots.
Wishing you a relevant Shmini Atzeret and a rambunctious Simchat Torah. Don’t forget to follow @boredofdeputies on twitter.