Smorgasbored – Jews and British Multiculturalism
Posted: January 12, 2012 | Author: boredofdeputies | | Tags: fight against racism, Multiculturalism, racism, tolerance |Leave a comment »
By Bored of Deputies
The Bored can see Britain needs help!
The leader of our failing national football team, also the failed leader of our national opposition and sadly many more are embroiled in racism controversy.
Each week front, back and refreshable pages bring a new scandal, typo, pixelated mouth or blanked-out image.
The Bored want to help our nation in crisis and do our bit to inculcate a sense of tolerance, understanding and multiculturalism amongst our community. However, our programme of sweeping changes cannot be completed without eliminating the closed-minded influences in our midst. Then we will, at last, be able to make UK Jews the friendliest and least judgemental religion of them all… Look out Buddhism we’re coming for you!!
Below is our report on those troublesome elements within UK Jewry. Such a subject matter requires the tact and sensitivity for which The Bored are famous. But just to make sure, we have run our assessment past our 24-person Pedantry and Political Correctness Committee (should political correctness be hyphenated?):
Jews of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland (including those who are visiting even if those visit might be termed by some as illegal immigration) are not necessarily as tolerant as one might expect (not that we held any preconceptions or assumptions when conducting this analysis).
(We must not discriminate against or exclude other issues) but there seem to be three main drivers of not-quite-super-tolerance in our community:
1) Jewish Schools
2) Mothers of children who visited Israel during the intifada
3) Grandparents
The generational spacing of these three phenomena immerses our community in Anti-(insert ethnic group here) rhetoric. Let us examine each in turn, starting – so as not to be accused of ageism – with cantankerous Grandparents.
Many mature citizens – of all religions – suffer from frozen vocabulary syndrome. This condition causes most elderly members of our community to use words such as “coloured”, “darkies” or “golliwogs”. Among our community, these words are replaced by “Schwarzer”, “Schikser” and “Schmuslim” but despite gentiles’ inability to crack this code, the terms remain unacceptable. Curiously, both vocabulary and politically correct sensibilities can thaw exceptionally quickly when a stranger on the bus remarks “I can’t be doing with these yids”, even if they are holding a tin of pickles and actually saying, “I struggle undoing these lids”. The most problematic geriatrics are those born in Krakow that sought salvation in the UK, yet feel not a shred of hypocrisy when deriding Polish cleaners and builders for taking our jobs and women, respectively.
The minds of mothers, whose children visited Israel during the Intifada, are murky, mad and often menopausal places. If you met these ladies in 1999, they would be a picture of liberalism and open-mindedness. However, the combination of guilt from sending their kids to a warzone, melancholy caused by missing their offspring and frustration at delays completing their off-plan Herzliya apartment creates a deep, red mist. This fury is then unleashed upon “all Arabs”, who they blame, for the actions of the terrorist groups who claim to represent them, for not working hard enough (on sub-minimum wage) to complete their block of flats and even for the lack of free time on their kids gap year programme (because of all the education on the Arab-Israeli conflict). These mothers are often very formidable and they control the kitchen, meaning their families have no option but to submit to their new found fundamentalism. They’re also a nightmare on a tube journey.
The Bored are baffled as to why Jewish Schools produce graduates who have little empathy for other faiths. If we wanted a fool-proof method to induce interest in other communities, our plan would involve surrounding them with 30 Jewish teenagers every day for 7 years. However, it seems a strange Stockholm syndrome takes hold of JFS Alumni. The combination of unsubtle Jewish Education teams and regular Anti-Semitic incidents on the bus home is enough to make these students fall in love with their captors. The spell can only be broken when meeting a course mate on the first day of Jew-niversity. “You’ve never met a Jew before… Interesting, I’ve never liked a gentile until now.”
It is University that offer us the best chance of over-turning this trend, especially through poorly funded ill-organised J-Soc interfaith events, including but not restricted to:
HinJews: Joint Chanukah and Diwali Candle Lighting
If it’s good enough for you, it’s good enough for me: Kosher post-Ramadan Feast
Celebration of the Killing of the First Born: Passover Seder/Easter Last Supper Recreation
(For two of the oft-forgotten religions according to the 2001 Census) “Sikh the Force” a Jedi treasure hunt conducted entirely in Turbans.
The Ultimate: Palm-Sunday-Meditation-Seder-Prayer-Circle-Israeli-Dancing-Candle-Lighting in a mosque.
So, university is the place to gain tolerance, through the benefits of isolation and time to think, if only we Jews were the religion that invented that… Damn those Buddhists, always one step ahead!
Wishing a happy, solar, secular, Jesus-based 2012 to all our deputies.
Don’t forget to follow us @boredofdeputies and give us your suggestions for community cohesion.