Lonely, Bored at Xmas – Turning Blue in Winter
Posted: December 25, 2011 | Author: boredofdeputies | | Tags: chanukah, christmas, holidays, jewish, SAD, Seasonal Affective Disorder, xmas |Leave a comment »
By Bored of Deputies
Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is a serious issue, it can happen in any season, for any reason and can leave you down until the weather changes. Christmas is coming and if ever there was a period to get UK Jewry confused and depressed it’s the festive one. As one social commentator put it, ‘Deck the halls with bells of holly, ‘tis the season to be Melancholy’. The Bored believe in the power of collective therapy, hence the evolution of the mother’s meeting into the ladies’ guild and the gentlemen’s club into the Bored itself. In the spirit of communal healing we have gathered the testimonies of other Xmas Santa’s SAD sacks so we can all share in some good ol’ fashioned brow-furrowing.
Adam Wiseman – 36 from Shenley – unloads his frustration at trying to convince his children to eschew the glamour of Xmas for the magic of Chanukah.
‘I have two girls and a boy between the ages of 6 and 10 and from the moment that Coca-Cola lorry appears on TV, they become transfixed with St. Nick and everything he entails. They write letters to Santa but with a “Bet Hey” in the corner and are bugging me to buy a kosher advent calendar! After I astounded my son with heroics of the Maccabees he remarked that he hoped to find a Judah action figure in his stocking and each time I give the girls doughnuts they stick them in on a plate by the fireplace with a glass of milk! Maybe this love of all things Jesus is a Jewish community phenomenon or perhaps it’s just these three Wisemans.’
Fredericka ‘Freddy’ Meil – 51, Hampstead Garden Suburb – is incredulous about the martyrdom surrounding cooking Christmas dinner.
‘It’s just unbelievable, my colleagues moan and whine about stuffing a Turkey, not having room on the 4-seater table and feeding an army! An Army! Seven guests isn’t even a squadron, I cater 10 courses for a bloody Brigade every week and don’t get me started on Seder Night!!! Both of them!!!!
And then there’s all the help they get. Oliver, Lawson, Blumenthal, Smith they’re all at it! It’s the easiest bloody meal of the year and everyone is throwing cheat options at you. The next one I have complaining to me is going to experience a whole new way to stuff a bird.’
Brodie Green – 17, Kent – Reckons he has the hardest job of anyone explaining his plans for the holidays.
‘Every year it’s the same:
“Brodie, where are you for Christma-… oh wait, what do you do again? Hanibal? Chinook-a? Oh that’s right the candle thing. Candles are cool, I suppose. What do you eat again?… Oh, so basically hash browns and Krispy Kremes, that sounds quite good actually… What was that 8 day long?! Well at least you don’t have to go to school? Oh you do. No wonder no one else I know is a Jew.”
When I was a bit younger I’d try and make them jealous with the “we get presents for 8 days” line and I achieved some pretty good envy. But they soon realised if they asked me what presents, I’d actually got, I would stumble through “Well I got a bike… and errr… a pencil case, chocolate money, tangerine… umm can’t remember the fifth night, then a dreidel, a cheque from my Grandma that I can’t touch til I’m 25 and more chocolate money…. (Sigh)…Yes, basically just a bike.”’
Candice Kein – 28, West Hampstead – laments the seasonal small talk in the event management industry.
“I just feel terribly left out. Everyone was asking what my Christmas plans were so after a while I started making them up. The problem is the questions start around Dec 5th and by the week before Xmas you are so tangled up in your web of lies that you barely remember what you believe! Last week I told my boss that I can’t make midnight mass this year because I have a Christmas party for my book club and then spent 20 minutes extolling the merits of artificial Xmas tree. He looked rather confused and asked why I’d been going home early on Fridays for the last few weeks.
However, I do love it when my conscientious Catholic colleagues have to address a multi-cultural group of clients around this time of year, the awkward language is amazing:
‘We wish you all a merry festive period, may it (whatever it is that you do) be peaceful, happy, healthy, white (I mean snowy) and may there be good will to all men (and women, unless you don’t believe in women’s rights). Oh god (can I say god?) this is so confusing. Wait, should I take back peaceful?!’ Priceless!”
Jeremy B. A. Humburg– 25, Mill Hill – takes the rejectionist or ‘lonely Jew’ philosophy.
“The Jews who watch Christmas TV and eating Kosher turkey on the 25th make me sick. I mean the irony alone is enough to make your eyes pop out. Jews sitting at home, stuffed from all the trimmings, a colourful cracker crown or two amongst the discarded wrapping paper on the floor. They pause The Come Dine (on treif) with Me Xmas Special to light the Chanukah candles a festival celebrating the brave stand against assimilation and then turn the Cliff Richard CD back on and drink some more sherry! It’s all Greek to me… Oi Humbug!”
The Bored hope this offered some solace from the seasonal solitariness and remember this Christmas don’t get SAD be Bored.
Chappy Chanukah from everyone at the Bored and don’t forget to follow @boredofdeputies over the winter break.