Methodology

In order to ensure a random sample of todays’ students we attempted to find representatives from each of the UK’s 113 campuses, but that proved impossible so in the end we just facebook-ed a few mates from Nottingham.

Subjects Studied

An astonishing 71% of Jewish female students studied Psychology; Jewish males (2%) that studied the same subject classified themselves either as gay, forward-thinking or unbelievably lucky.

Whilst only 5% studied any formal classes on Judaism or Israel, 83% choose Dissertation topics related to these subjects. 94% of them felt this would provide some kind of competitive advantage and generally (93%) they were wrong.

I decided to do my dissertation on ‘Why Jewish Students do their dissertations on matters relating to Israel and Jewish life.’ I got a low 2:2. (Emma, BA Post-Modernism and Anthropology)

Religious Observance

89% of Jews regularly had a Friday night meal when at home, but that was only 37% at Uni. Of those 63% who didn’t, 5 in every 6 told their parents that they did have dinner, even if it meant sneaking round the back of the SU bar to call them “on the walk home.”

Once, my Mum asked me ‘what we had at Friday Night dinner?’ and rather than telling her the truth (17 snake bites with vodka chasers), I simply listed the ingredients from my way-home-Kebab (which fortunately was still stuck to the coffee table when she called on the Tuesday). (Ben)

In terms of religious classification 10% described themselves as “Orthodox”, 30% as “Orthodox…but”, 14% as “Pizza Express Kosher”, 12% as “Reform…for now”, 10% “Progressive, Man” and less than 1% described themselves as “post-denominational”. Prick.

From the “Orthodox…but” group; 62% completed the survey on Shabbat.

I don’t turn on lights, apart from the toilet because once I got rinsed for pissing on the window and I only watch TV programmes on 5 channels all of which rhyme with SkyShorts. I do text but I don’t write, because that’s just hypocritical. What’s that?… What about typing? Facebook – yes, Coursework – no. (Anon, BA)

Geographical Spread

95% of Students stated their primary reasons for picking their University were; the course, the facilities and fresh air. However, in slight contrast to this 99% of Jews ended up at one of the 4 Jew-niversities in inner-city Leeds, Birmingham, Manchester and Nottingham. Despite this 82% still maintain friends had nothing to do with their choices.

Obviously, its nice to be living in halls with the 10 girls I was on tour with, but really I wanted to experience other cultures and mix with gentiles, it just so happened we all loved Tennis Courts… What’s that?… Durham has a University too that is the national leader for my course?… No, I’ve never heard of Durham. (Olivia)

The Social Scene

85% of Jewish Students said they will only attend a J-Soc event if its name is alliterative or a rhyme. Some example given included Booze4Jews, Home-brews for Hebrew, Becks on the Decks, Poker-Joker-Toker, Fatal & Fattening Friday Night Fever and the student protest inspired Brunch and Burn.

72% said the likelihood of their attending the event was inversely proportional to the money UJS were wasting on it and the CST presence arranged.

Campus Provision – Undergrads, Underprovided

95% of Students considered themselves members of UJS, but when asked “what does UJS do?” answers were less encouraging. 20% said UJS ran campaigns whilst 34% said Campaigns ran UJS. 65% associated UJS with annual Marquee events, which took place in empty Marquees in the Midlands. Finally, 10% said they thought it was the name for FZY after Summer Tour, 5 people said a Posh School in Hampstead and one thought it was a parcel delivery firm.

Chabad’s tactics of throwing money at Jewish Students until they submit to a “Moshiach Now” L’Chaim appear to have succeeded, with 57% of students saying they no longer have a paralysing fear of bearded men.

63% of students said they had confused their Uni’s Aish Rabbi for a stoned frum student on at least one occasion.

Campus Identity and Integration

98% said they felt surprisingly comfortable to express most aspects of their Jewishness on campus including support for Israel and religious practice. In fact the only occasion where Jews did feel shy and embarrassed by their roots was on a course night out, as they were repeatedly drunk under the table by their course-mates. As one student explained:

I was so well prepared for anti-semitism on campus by the CST that I spent Fresher’s week clutching my rape alarm and a Dershowitz book. But eventually I realised that there weren’t fundamentalists hiding round every corner throwing olive branches and that only about 5 people out of 8000 actually watched Newsnight.

Campus Politics

99.8% of students of all religions on campus stated they didn’t care about campus politics and it was all blown out of proportion. Demographically speaking, the remaining 0.2% fell in to at least 2 of the following 4 categories; Religious, Angry, Homosexual and Ugly and 100% of them studied politics.

Conclusion

To summarise, The Bored think that lost beneath the spiralling costs of tuition, accommodation and Vodka Red Bulls that dominate student discourse is a message of hope. A message that Jewish students – once considered the bright and hopeful in our community – can lead the way in terms of apathy, mis-representation and moaning to ensure that our community continues upon the same track for many years to come.

The Bored wish everyone a Chag Sameach, may the fruit hung from your sukkah remain free from mould until at least Sunday.

More next week and don’t forget to follow @boredofdeputies