Bored up your Shop-fronts – The Jewish Protest Movement
Posted: March 2, 2012 | Author: boredofdeputies | | Tags: Occupy London, Occupy Shabbat, protest, purim, st pauls |Leave a comment »
by Bored of Deputies
London’s most iconic place of worship has been returned to its aesthetic best after the removal of the long-haired, short-tempered and wide-ranging members of the Occupy Protest. Meanwhile, down the road, outside another Grade 1 listed prayer house, a second demonstration rumbles on (literally). The noise is from the stomachs of a 4-person strong “popular uprising” outside Bevis Marks Synagogue demanding the return of the restaurant to its original situ as their walk for a weekly salt-beef sandwich has increased by at least 200 metres.
The Bored believe such a demo is typical of our community’s rallying spirit which was described in a recent Evening Standard article as “more pro-jest than protest”. The Bored have been studying our malodourous brethren in OccupyLSX and beyond to find 5 tips to make our revolts revolutionary and our remonstrations monstrous:
1. Think Boston Tea Party – not Grandma’s Tea Party
You’ve got to make a splash and be hard to ignore so brewing-up in the West Atlantic is certainly going to get a reaction… even if that reaction is “we’re gonna need a massive Canderel”). On the other hand; a rally in a Jewish School, set back 400 metres from the main road, with security to put the US Embassy to shame and no media coverage will attract less attention than a fart in a hot air balloon.
2. Size matters (don’t leave the observers sniggering)
Anyone who said numbers aren’t crucial clearly wasn’t outside the Syrian Embassy in 2006 when President Assad popped into London. Given Bashir’s capacity to ignore a mass, popular armed uprising on the doorstep of his Homs (Sic.), he was hardly likely to be perturbed by a dozen unemployed community workers, 8 mothers of kids who went on shnat and 47 youth movement students trying to compete to take tour.
Remember the demo only needs to be a believably large number; the JC will do the rest by applying their famous protest maths. This “counting” is the equivalent of putting a mirror at each end of the process and totalling everyone you see.
Finally, always be aware that a good time to call off a rally is when the counter-protest organised 30 minutes ago outnumbers you by 3:1
3. What do we want?! Better Chants! When do we want them? Within 6-8 weeks!
Some of the world’s finest songwriters from Dylan to Bacharach via Manilow come from Jewish schtock, but it’s tough to find a rhyme for “Ahmadinejad’s nuclear expansion” or “expedited prisoner negotiations”. So we regularly hear a “Give me a P!” chain that lasts 7 minutes until we reach the “what have you got?” “Erm, Please allows a return to democracy to citizens of Gaza and a reinstatement of basic human rights?!”
A chant needs to be catchy like “Oi, Hamas, get off that bus!” or clever like “I-ran, U-ran, but we didn’t touch your science man!” or ironic (one from the anti-Iraq war archives) “last time we listened to a Bush, we wandered in the desert for 40 years!”
4. Is this thing on??? Always pick the right speakers…
Whether it’s by PA system, a mega-phone or a loud voice on an upturned milk crate; an effective speaker can inspire, galvanise and direct a protest. Now the Bored love an ego-driven diatribe as much as the next board, but if everyone who organised or donated to the event gets a turn at the podium, peace might have been reached by the time you get to try any of your new chants. (We know that peace was the nominal raison d’etre for the rally, but is also very important to hear from the leaders of all the rival community organisations).
Remember, (and this is targeted at no one in particular) that if you’ve actually got more than 50 Jews to a protest and you have their rapt attention, this is possibly the best educational opportunity in UK Jewish History, so make sure you plug your book.
To surmise, less is more and be sure to choose a speaker who is an animated, eloquent motivator….and not Bibi Netanyahu.
5. “It’s no fun to protest on an empty stomach.”
The Bored were amazed to find this genuine quote from New York mayor Michael Bloomberg and he seems to have got right to the belly of the issue. Just like our friends outside Bevis Marks, we understand the importance of a balanced diet of vitriol, fervour and herring. It’s no coincidence that The Boston Tea Party also served bridge rolls or that a Tiananmen Square is actually a best-selling biscuit in parts of China.
The cuisine maketh the protest so always try and match the food to the occasion. Humantashen is the ideal historic metaphor for an anti-Iran protest, the way smoked salmon and cream cheese co-exist is a really precedent for a 2-state solution and we should always give chick peas a chance. Why do you think that Beitar mob are always having fights outside Marks and Spencer?
Following these simple steps will doubtless propel Jewish protests from the singles ads to the front page – The Bored look forward to riding that bandwagon every step of the way.
We leave you with the wise words of another famous Jewish protesting hero Ali G at an animal rights demo “me has heard both side of the argument, me doesn’t understand either of them, but me is well up for a ruck!” M&S it is then.
Wishing all our members a happy Purim! May you enjoy all four nights, from 13th Adar, until the various Jewish charities decide it’s time for a rave.
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